Days in Silence

"Monday morning I woke up with severe jaw pain for NO APPARENT REASON. I still have no idea why it hurts so much, but I’ve been to the chiropractor and he says that my meniscus is swollen and I just need to ice it and … NOT TALK, and NOT CHEW. For three days I tried… heartlessly, but after revisiting him and observing no improvement and experiencing more pain, I finally decided to cut to the chase and…. stop talking. 

It’s been more than 24 hours now that I haven’t been talking. I haven’t said more than 20 painful words, and honestly, I’m going insane! I really didn’t realize how thankful I was for SPEECH. Writing is honestly so incredibly relieving for me because I can SPEAK and not be in pain. 

A couple minutes ago I threw my books and my computer in a backpack, got my bike out of the garage and came to this beautiful park. It’s about 80 degrees here in Savage, Minnesota today, and it’s perfectly sunny. There are little kids walking through the park, hand-in-hand with their mothers, probably on their way home from school. Everyone is all smiles today because it’s LOVELY out here. 

But I still can’t speak… 

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a handicap like this before, but it’s quite trying… emotionally. I feel like I have to stuff my feelings  deep into myself and I’m unable to express myself in words, so I look for other means… I wonder how much people can read from my eyes, so I almost stare at people with my eyes open really wide to see if maybe they can just read my mind… It hasn’t worked for the most part…. 

I was driving home last night with a friend, and he said to me, “Was Zachariah John’s father?” I nodded, icepack pressed to my face. “Well, he had his ability to talk taken away from him so that he could learn faith… I can’t help but think we’re supposed to learn some faith through this…” I’ve been praying this whole time, wondering what God wants to teach me through this. I figure that I could go into this time of trial and teaching, willingly or unwillingly. Either way I have to go into it… 

So when he mentioned Zachariah, I felt a little bit of clarity… What does God desire for my life? For me to trust him, to have faith in him, to believe his promises, to obey him, to love him, to put him first, to bring everything to him in prayer. 

My prayer has been lacking… 

Now I can’t talk. In the past 20-some hours I’ve found a couple times that I desperately need to express something.... With a final gasp, and out of sheer desperation, I have to tell God who alone can hear my thoughts... Praise the Lord that he does know my thoughts and is tuned into my heart… 

My silence has made me more aware of a lot of things. Most of all, things that are in my heart, or between me and God. My silence has made me choose to sort out my thoughts in my own head without speaking about them. My silence has made me appreciate other people’s words as I am unable to speak my own. Right now, I LOVE listening to people, because I crave words. My silence has been teaching me that God is faithful, and that even though I can’t work  (because waitresses have to talk...), He will provide for me without failing me. My silence has reminded me that I am not to depend on myself, but on the strength, power, and ability of God, both to speak for me, to provide for me, and be sufficient for me and even those who depend on me.  

I’m coming to find that I am beginning to covet my silence. It is such a beautiful thing to stay quiet and keep things between me and God because HE hears me even though no one else can. How often do we feel like we’re drowning in our own emotions and burdens and cares and struggles?  How often do we feel like no one can hear our cries? Or even our joyous shouts? Friends, how often do we forget to bring these things before God? 

“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let home pray over him…”

Even though my silence keeps me from expressing my own thoughts and feelings, I am jealous for the prayers (speech to God on my behalf) of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I really want to be prayed for, to be carried to the Lord in prayer, because there is nothing more I can do than I’ve already done and something about speechlessness is making me dependent on the love and faith of the Saints. 

My silence has made my heart still because it’s been so restless. God’s timing is perfect. All these were things I needed to learn… I’m praying that he’ll continue to refine these lessons in my heart because I don’t want any of this time in silence go to waste. 

Silent or speaking I will praise the Lord because he is good and his love and faithfulness is still enduring forever."

I wrote this blog post when it was still warm outside. Before the leaves were even beginning to turn colors. I don't know why I never posted it, but I have returned to find it and am finally sharing it with you. I have to say, it's not the best writing I've ever done... I was all stuck in my head, and wrote it out of sheer desperation... 

Turns out I didn't speak for 5 days straight. I lived for 5 days in complete silence because speaking was too painful. 

This was an amazing lesson that I learned. Something I wouldn't trade for anything. And it was much less than easy and much more than frustrating. 

Now, I look back. I'm struggling with a lot of things these days, like sadness because life is sad and frustration because work is awful most days... And I am remembering the things that God has taught me. Since my days in silence, he asks me over and over to come to him in silent prayer and carry all my burdens to Him because he cares for me. He's reminding me that when no one else can hear me, he is there, and even more, that when life seems futile and I am less than completely healed, that he is seeing me toward heaven where I will safely rest with him. 

Beloved. Pray. You do not have to walk alone in the silence. 

Thinking

I'm sitting here after a day of work, reading, Bible study, and a concert and I'm feeling so very thoughtful. I'd like to just unwind... and I thought the best way to do that would be to share my thoughts.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. First, how humanity is in deep need of help. Working at a restaurant, I really see that people are greedy, rude, good-for-nothing babies who complain about everything and are content with nothing... myself, included in that over-generalization. People complain about the food, the service, the temperature of the room, or even the place they are sitting CONSTANTLY. What is it in humanity that is so discontent?
We are all searching for something to fulfill us. Something to make us happy. We want to feel like we are getting something, going somewhere, amounting to somebody, but few of us really feel as if we're really reaching it. Ecclesiastes talks about this human condition. We seek happiness in so many things: wealth, popularity, property, success, even wisdom, yet none of us really have arrived as we feel we want to...
I used to look at people with wisdom,  pitying them because I knew that if they were treating me with anything less than grace, compassion, respect, and love, that they were in deep need of those things themselves, and had yet to experience a Savior in that day... If someone were to treat me poorly at work, it was because they need a savior, and then whether their treatment was purposeful or not, it didn't matter because all I wanted was for them to experience Christ through me.
See, I am no exception to this desire to amount to something, or gain something valuable. I want it just as much as everyone else. I long for it. I crave it. I seek after it so often. But God. But God has given us everything we need and more. He is going to take all my needs and fill them. He is the One who grants me contentment and provides joy to my heart, and he is the ONLY one who can do so. If I seek for joy and contentment anywhere else - money, status, popularity, property, or wisdom - I will never attain what I'm actually seeking for.
So, while I am rarely happy with my current job, oddly, it hardly matters. You know why? as a familiar song sings:

Christ is enough for me. 

Everything I need is in you. 

Everything I need. 

Christ is my reward and all of my devotion. 

There is nothing in this world that can ever satisfy. 

Through every storm,

my soul will sing

no turning back

to GOD BE THE GLORY. 

Lord, let this be the authentic cry of my heart because I KNOW and have experienced that I only have joy and contentment in you because only you are lasting. Only you are worthy of all my devotion and the whole of my life. Let everything else fade away. 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

and the things of earth 

will grow strangely dim

in the light of his 

glory and grace.

- The Potter's Pottery

Summer Air Memories

It's been a hot day... summer time has definitely fully set in and the Minnesota air smells of wood smoke and suburban traffic. Minnesota has this heir of home to me that I don't always necessarily love, but always feel rather comfortable and nostalgic in... Sometimes it makes me itch to get out, other times I want nothing more than to just stay for the rest of time... We'll see.

Being largely without a computer for the past couple months, I definitely haven't had many chances to write at all... I certainly feel very sad and regretful about that, but I really haven't forgotten about it. It sort of stays in the back of my mind... But then July rolled around. I started to feel the cool air again and fall looming ahead of me... Yes, fall means warm sweaters and ripped jeans, but I'm not quite as happy about that as I used to be. I just want to be warm... I'll get over it. I always have. 

But upon the arrival of July, I have been reminded of my blog... Lying in bed the other day, at the tail end of sickness that had lasted far too long, I reached for my phone and tapped the "blogger" app... Scrolling down to 2013, July, I found my first blog post. How honest I was. How transparent. How desperate. I could feel the emotion and the cool air sweeping through my big empty Washington house... smell the weed in the air and the junk lot across the street... But most of all, I could very clearly remember how deeply I felt my need for God within that state of intense desperation. I just adored Him for being who he was because I had nothing else that could possibly fill the devastating need I felt in my life. That is, the need for a Savior. 

Now, having become the kind of woman who says, "I do what i want," I was set back in my seat like a wounded soldier whose nurse pushed him back into his pillows with a gently firm hand... Ouch. I am still that desperate. That devastated. I've just covered it up with thoughts and ideas of self-sufficiency. MY GOD. If I need a rescue from anything it's self-sufficiency... that is, pride. My goodness... If there's a prideful person in this world, my God, it's me, and yes, I'm fairly certain that statement is borne out of pride!! Where did my awareness of my need for God GO?? Just because I feel like I am getting by now? Just that I'm not living in the depths of depression, somehow has given me the right to think that I'm doing okay? That I don't need to live every moment hanging on the word of God? Granted we go through seasons where we feel our need deeper than other times, but SHEESH, what have I been doing? Compared to the affection and devotion I expressed a year ago in the depths of my pain, my current state of affection toward the Word looks pitiful... I should love reading nothing more. I should feed on nothing more often. I should reflect on no one's words more often. These aren't just nice ideas or fancy words in a pretty book. My GOD, these are the WORDS OF LIFE written on these pages for me to live and breathe in as they give me LIFE. EVERY. DAY. What have I been doing? 

Yes of course. I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't be affectionate enough toward the Word. You know, I'm not sure I ever will be... it deserves infinite affection. But it occurred to me today that it's a choice. Just like it's a choice to take your girlfriend out to coffee, or stay up late discussing life with my mother, it's a choice to sit down with my Beloved Savior and read His Word, and hang on every word he says, no matter how much the cleansing hurts.... 

Jesus tells us to abide in His word... I'm not gonna try to paraphrase the Word of Life. Here: 

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free... Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits a sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house for ever; the son remains for ever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

I think I've said enough.

Lord you are worthy. You are Holy. You are good. You are Wonderful. You are all I need. Make me deeply aware of my need for your Word, and drag me into it mouth first! Thirsty for your truth. And teach me, Oh, Lord, please teach me. 

Bless your name and thank you for your Love. 

-Potter's Pottery

Lemonade

I realize it's been a while since I last posted... but when life gives you lemons you make lemonade if you know what I'm saying...
Yesterday I was working with my kids, pondering the idea of ethical morality and how that affects my life's purpose. People have a perception of right and wrong, and then there is an actual, definitive right and wrong which is measured by the Ultimate Good - God. Confused out of my dizzied mind considering this, I was searching my mind for one thing that I could hold onto, one thing I knew for sure, one thing I could cling to.
All I had was Christ. Christ - the image of God, the firstborn of all creation, the great I AM, the son of David, the son of Man. Holy, righteous, good, completely just, pure, right and wonderful, kind and perfect in every way... Jesus Christ.

I really don't have anything else... Just Christ.

"We love and reason because God loves and reasons and holds our hands while we do it." -C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Now, where's my coffee.....

My Undignified Father

So it's been a while. Don't worry. I still think you're beautiful. :) So much has happened since I've returned home after moving to Chicago for a few months. I've gotten a job at a daycare and I absolutely adore the kids I get to see every day. That's been wonderful. Kids are so healing. When I see them I just remember what innocence (or maybe ignorance) and trust looks like. I remember what it's like to really believe that my parents have everything under control and to only be concerned about my doll's little dress and what time I get to see mommy and daddy (even though I had no idea what "4:30, Julia" meant... :) (Check out my cousins, brother and I when we were that age. :) So cute, right?)

Kids remind me of the kind of relationship I had with God when I was in high school. Like little Henry. Whenever he sees his mom, he drops whatever he's doing and sprints over to hug her. Or when Austin sees his Daddy he lights up and springs up into his big, strong arms. It makes me smile every time I see the sheer pleasure of both the parent and the child when they reunite at the end of the day. It reminds me of my first Love, my heavenly Daddy, and how I used to be so thrilled when he would show his face to me in any way. One day, though, I was sitting there, watching one of those adorable parent-child reunions take place. It was then that it occurred to me that God is depicted as the prodigal Father who runs to the son and embraces him. God was the one who became absolutely undignified in the sight of everyone in order to embrace his son, and shower his love on him. Parents rarely ever run up to meet their preschooler (not that I'm judging!) but God ran, completely undignified to meet his son. Ultimately, he did this through Christ. He who knew no sin, became sin, so that we might be the righteousness of God. Now that's Love if I've ever seen it.

So we have sins under the surface of our hearts which often spill over in a heap of filth and undesirable messiness, and somehow we think we can make a deal with God. "Alright God, if I just fix this little thing in my life, or do this, then will you love and accept me." Well guess what. You squandered absolutely all the wealth he entrusted to you and he ran to you to embrace you the minute you returned to him (Zechariah 1:1-6). Marinate in that for a second. There is nothing you can do to earn his love and absolutely nothing you can do to rid your life of it. His mercy, grace, and love are so strong that they are able to keep you despite even your own self. Beloved, let that truth draw you to Him today because His love for you is so much greater than your ability to be undeserving of it. :) Love you, Beloved.

~Quote from a conversation with annabellamarie.blogspot.com <3