Being largely without a computer for the past couple months, I definitely haven't had many chances to write at all... I certainly feel very sad and regretful about that, but I really haven't forgotten about it. It sort of stays in the back of my mind... But then July rolled around. I started to feel the cool air again and fall looming ahead of me... Yes, fall means warm sweaters and ripped jeans, but I'm not quite as happy about that as I used to be. I just want to be warm... I'll get over it. I always have.
But upon the arrival of July, I have been reminded of my blog... Lying in bed the other day, at the tail end of sickness that had lasted far too long, I reached for my phone and tapped the "blogger" app... Scrolling down to 2013, July, I found my first blog post. How honest I was. How transparent. How desperate. I could feel the emotion and the cool air sweeping through my big empty Washington house... smell the weed in the air and the junk lot across the street... But most of all, I could very clearly remember how deeply I felt my need for God within that state of intense desperation. I just adored Him for being who he was because I had nothing else that could possibly fill the devastating need I felt in my life. That is, the need for a Savior.
Now, having become the kind of woman who says, "I do what i want," I was set back in my seat like a wounded soldier whose nurse pushed him back into his pillows with a gently firm hand... Ouch. I am still that desperate. That devastated. I've just covered it up with thoughts and ideas of self-sufficiency. MY GOD. If I need a rescue from anything it's self-sufficiency... that is, pride. My goodness... If there's a prideful person in this world, my God, it's me, and yes, I'm fairly certain that statement is borne out of pride!! Where did my awareness of my need for God GO?? Just because I feel like I am getting by now? Just that I'm not living in the depths of depression, somehow has given me the right to think that I'm doing okay? That I don't need to live every moment hanging on the word of God? Granted we go through seasons where we feel our need deeper than other times, but SHEESH, what have I been doing? Compared to the affection and devotion I expressed a year ago in the depths of my pain, my current state of affection toward the Word looks pitiful... I should love reading nothing more. I should feed on nothing more often. I should reflect on no one's words more often. These aren't just nice ideas or fancy words in a pretty book. My GOD, these are the WORDS OF LIFE written on these pages for me to live and breathe in as they give me LIFE. EVERY. DAY. What have I been doing?
Yes of course. I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't be affectionate enough toward the Word. You know, I'm not sure I ever will be... it deserves infinite affection. But it occurred to me today that it's a choice. Just like it's a choice to take your girlfriend out to coffee, or stay up late discussing life with my mother, it's a choice to sit down with my Beloved Savior and read His Word, and hang on every word he says, no matter how much the cleansing hurts....
Jesus tells us to abide in His word... I'm not gonna try to paraphrase the Word of Life. Here:
"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free... Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits a sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house for ever; the son remains for ever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
I think I've said enough.
Lord you are worthy. You are Holy. You are good. You are Wonderful. You are all I need. Make me deeply aware of my need for your Word, and drag me into it mouth first! Thirsty for your truth. And teach me, Oh, Lord, please teach me.
Bless your name and thank you for your Love.
-Potter's Pottery
