Days in Silence

"Monday morning I woke up with severe jaw pain for NO APPARENT REASON. I still have no idea why it hurts so much, but I’ve been to the chiropractor and he says that my meniscus is swollen and I just need to ice it and … NOT TALK, and NOT CHEW. For three days I tried… heartlessly, but after revisiting him and observing no improvement and experiencing more pain, I finally decided to cut to the chase and…. stop talking. 

It’s been more than 24 hours now that I haven’t been talking. I haven’t said more than 20 painful words, and honestly, I’m going insane! I really didn’t realize how thankful I was for SPEECH. Writing is honestly so incredibly relieving for me because I can SPEAK and not be in pain. 

A couple minutes ago I threw my books and my computer in a backpack, got my bike out of the garage and came to this beautiful park. It’s about 80 degrees here in Savage, Minnesota today, and it’s perfectly sunny. There are little kids walking through the park, hand-in-hand with their mothers, probably on their way home from school. Everyone is all smiles today because it’s LOVELY out here. 

But I still can’t speak… 

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a handicap like this before, but it’s quite trying… emotionally. I feel like I have to stuff my feelings  deep into myself and I’m unable to express myself in words, so I look for other means… I wonder how much people can read from my eyes, so I almost stare at people with my eyes open really wide to see if maybe they can just read my mind… It hasn’t worked for the most part…. 

I was driving home last night with a friend, and he said to me, “Was Zachariah John’s father?” I nodded, icepack pressed to my face. “Well, he had his ability to talk taken away from him so that he could learn faith… I can’t help but think we’re supposed to learn some faith through this…” I’ve been praying this whole time, wondering what God wants to teach me through this. I figure that I could go into this time of trial and teaching, willingly or unwillingly. Either way I have to go into it… 

So when he mentioned Zachariah, I felt a little bit of clarity… What does God desire for my life? For me to trust him, to have faith in him, to believe his promises, to obey him, to love him, to put him first, to bring everything to him in prayer. 

My prayer has been lacking… 

Now I can’t talk. In the past 20-some hours I’ve found a couple times that I desperately need to express something.... With a final gasp, and out of sheer desperation, I have to tell God who alone can hear my thoughts... Praise the Lord that he does know my thoughts and is tuned into my heart… 

My silence has made me more aware of a lot of things. Most of all, things that are in my heart, or between me and God. My silence has made me choose to sort out my thoughts in my own head without speaking about them. My silence has made me appreciate other people’s words as I am unable to speak my own. Right now, I LOVE listening to people, because I crave words. My silence has been teaching me that God is faithful, and that even though I can’t work  (because waitresses have to talk...), He will provide for me without failing me. My silence has reminded me that I am not to depend on myself, but on the strength, power, and ability of God, both to speak for me, to provide for me, and be sufficient for me and even those who depend on me.  

I’m coming to find that I am beginning to covet my silence. It is such a beautiful thing to stay quiet and keep things between me and God because HE hears me even though no one else can. How often do we feel like we’re drowning in our own emotions and burdens and cares and struggles?  How often do we feel like no one can hear our cries? Or even our joyous shouts? Friends, how often do we forget to bring these things before God? 

“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let home pray over him…”

Even though my silence keeps me from expressing my own thoughts and feelings, I am jealous for the prayers (speech to God on my behalf) of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I really want to be prayed for, to be carried to the Lord in prayer, because there is nothing more I can do than I’ve already done and something about speechlessness is making me dependent on the love and faith of the Saints. 

My silence has made my heart still because it’s been so restless. God’s timing is perfect. All these were things I needed to learn… I’m praying that he’ll continue to refine these lessons in my heart because I don’t want any of this time in silence go to waste. 

Silent or speaking I will praise the Lord because he is good and his love and faithfulness is still enduring forever."

I wrote this blog post when it was still warm outside. Before the leaves were even beginning to turn colors. I don't know why I never posted it, but I have returned to find it and am finally sharing it with you. I have to say, it's not the best writing I've ever done... I was all stuck in my head, and wrote it out of sheer desperation... 

Turns out I didn't speak for 5 days straight. I lived for 5 days in complete silence because speaking was too painful. 

This was an amazing lesson that I learned. Something I wouldn't trade for anything. And it was much less than easy and much more than frustrating. 

Now, I look back. I'm struggling with a lot of things these days, like sadness because life is sad and frustration because work is awful most days... And I am remembering the things that God has taught me. Since my days in silence, he asks me over and over to come to him in silent prayer and carry all my burdens to Him because he cares for me. He's reminding me that when no one else can hear me, he is there, and even more, that when life seems futile and I am less than completely healed, that he is seeing me toward heaven where I will safely rest with him. 

Beloved. Pray. You do not have to walk alone in the silence.